What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
It’s my birthday. That means you should send a letter with a question about your love life. It’s how we stay connected. Send to [email protected] or fill out this form. I’m ready to read all of your problems.
I wrote before (this letter) and the problem continues. I received a text from a very close friend who told me my boyfriend had added another ex-girlfriend on Snapchat. My friends knows this woman well.
She admitted the snaps were nothing specific. The reason my friend told me was that this ex asked her, about my relationship, “Are they still together? He added me.”
Where I’m from, Snapchat is an old thing; no one really uses it to socialize anymore or make new friends. You just send some casual Snaps to the people you’re already close with/already have added (hence this ex-girlfriend’s curiosity about him adding her).
It is clear that his intentions were not good, even if he never literally did anything about it. I confronted him – about this and the other problems again. We had a huge, massive fight. I decided to ask him for a break with the specific purpose of us working on ourselves (but I detailed that this would not be a “go and party” break – that we will still be exclusive, just that I needed some time to think, and he agreed).
A week and a half later we met up and we’d made a list of all the things we wanted to change, our relationship goals, etc. It was a great conversation. I had already told him I would check his phone at some point. But without him expecting it, I did, and it turns out that during our “break” he had texted two women and added/Snapchated six girls. One girl he added became his BFF on Snapchat (in a week), another is one who lives far away but used to hook up with him in the past.
I must add that I know checking his phone is not good. But it is through his phone where he makes these choices. Would this be any different if instead of using his phone he was doing this in person at work and I decided to show up? No. I am in my right to know this, and he had agreed on it.
The aftermath was horrible. We didn’t sleep until 6 a.m. He said, “Please know I have never cheated on you and I am really sorry for making you feel this way. I screwed up.” We went a few days without talking and he called me and said, “You know you’re the one I want to marry, we’ve talked about this, I want to have a family with you, you know I’m working hard so we can move in together in a few years. I know you lost all trust in me and I have to win you back.” My question is, should I stay with him? It is obvious I want to be with him and we do have a great time together. However, the mistakes before the “break” were “passable,” but him triplicating them during the break (knowing we agreed upon staying 100 percent exclusive) was a slap in the face.
– Disrespected again
It sounds like you’ve lost trust, and that his way of using social media makes you uncomfortable, in general. He’s someone who wants online attention from exes … and others. Maybe there’s someone out there who can deal with that behavior and see it as harmless, but you don’t.
I know some couples make a habit of checking each other’s phones, but you don’t want to be in one of those relationships. I guess my advice is … don’t be.
Or at the very least, take marriage and forever off the table. He seems to think that this period is some practice run for some future version of the relationship that will count, for real. Like as soon as you’re both ready for marriage and family, the need for validation from others will disappear. Maybe he’s right, but I don’t know why that would be the case. If the relationship doesn’t click now – if he needs other attention whenever you’re not in the room – why would it work later?
My advice is to end this, but I acknowledge there’s a lot I don’t know. Really, it just seems like more stress than happiness. But if you do feel like the joy of being with him trumps everything else, just take it week by week. There is no promise of marriage right now.
But speaking of lists, write your own about what you want in a partner. Then think about whether he’s the right person at all. Again, it doesn’t sound like he’s the guy.
Readers? Is there any reason to do the work to move past all of this history? What if the good feelings are strong too?
Have advice for today’s letter writer? Be helpful. Be clever. Get your comment featured here.Meredith
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