What’s your love and relationship problem?
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I’m a 30-year-old woman who is single, unmarried, and without kids. There is a manager at my job who started a few years ago. I always noticed him, though I’d never spoken to him. He is attractive and charismatic. I never thought I had a chance, so I would watch him from a distance.
However, for about a year I’ve felt like he’s been trying to find an opportunity to talk to me. I even caught him looking at me a few times. The opportunity came before Christmas vacation. I was alone in my office, so he approached me and we had a good conversation. The next day he told me he felt a connection with me and couldn’t stop thinking about me. He was very direct and said he wanted to get to know me better and asked if I wanted to have lunch sometime after we come back from vacation.
When vacation ended, he visited me every day. It’s like we were magnets. There was obvious attraction. I agreed to go out to lunch and I had a wonderful time. Conversation flowed. We planned to meet again. I learned he was seven years older than me, and somehow I had thoughts that he could be married. So I asked before having lunch with him a second time. He was honest and said yes, he is married, but it was complicated. “We’re together but not together, if it makes sense,” is what he said. I told him that I didn’t want to be in the middle of his marriage, so I basically rejected his offer of getting to know each other, even as friends, while he works through things. He said he understood and that he would let me go.
Even though I know it was the right thing to do, I regretted asking the question. Or maybe not hearing him out, because I don’t know the situation with him and his wife. Maybe he’s keeping his promise to let me go because he hasn’t called or visited me. I do miss his constant visits. I hate that I feel jealous that his wife is married to him. I wonder if he still thinks about me like I think about him. And I wonder if he thinks I see him as the bad guy. Help.
– the brokenhearted girl
It’s OK if you see him as the bad guy. You had so much bonding time before that first lunch. You talked every day. You were magnets.
But the only reason his marriage came up is because you asked. My point is: let’s not worry about what he thinks. We can focus on your feelings instead.
Are you disappointed? Of course. Are you angry? I don’t know, and maybe that’s coming. He didn’t owe you his whole life story, but his relationship status shouldn’t have been a guessing game. Who wants to jump into something with someone who’s in a complicated marriage? There were no warnings – from him, at least – about what you were dealing with. You saw those red flags on your own.
You were smart to ask for the information you needed. You were brave to ask questions when you knew you might not like the answers. You were mature about boundaries and told him exactly what you needed. Please give yourself credit for not pretending you could be his confidant during a difficult time.
I know you miss him, and it’s probably difficult to know he’s not far away (I do hope he’s not your manager). If you focus on what you know, I swear these feelings will start to change. You would have heard him out had he chosen to tell you anything. He didn’t. Don’t forget it.
Readers? Can you help the LW stop second-guessing this? How do you cope with disappointment about something that never started?
Have advice for today’s letter writer? Be helpful. Be clever. Get your comment featured here.Meredith
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