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I have been dating a wonderful man for a little over five months. While I trust him, there is something that has really bothered me. Before we got together, he was engaged to a woman he had been with for years. He told me about her, and that she had cheated on him with her coworker two months after signing a new lease on a house and shortly after getting engaged. He has also told me that she has since realized she made a huge mistake. Even though this was a year and a half ago, he still frequently texts her. I would be willing to bet it’s daily. I found out when I was helping him with a game on his phone and her texts popped up. More than once. Furthermore, he has a life insurance policy where she is still the beneficiary.
Although I continue to tell him he needs to remove her name from the account (I’ve suggested he put a family member as the beneficiary), he “forgets” and it never gets done. All of this makes me extremely uncomfortable. He tried to reassure me that he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore and that they were still friends. It may be insecurity on my part or a fear of abandonment, but I’m not reassured that there isn’t still something there. At the same time, he’s an adult and can make his own decisions about who he talks to (and I’ve told him that). I, however, am not the type of person to remain friends with people who have hurt me. For me, when a relationship ends, it ends. I move on and firmly close that chapter. I quickly remove their names from policies and I sever communication with them. I see no need to hang on to something that does not work, and I find continuing daily communication with them while in another relationship severely disrespectful to my partner. This has been weighing on my mind for over a month now and I am not sure how to move past it. I am an incredible woman and an amazing partner, a fact my boyfriend acknowledges as well. I don’t really know what to do about this issue though, since this is the first time I’ve ever experienced it. Any suggestions?
The point I’m stuck on is that he’s basically told you it’s not just a friendship. On one side, at least.
This woman has made it clear to your boyfriend that she made a huge mistake by cheating on him. Does that mean she wishes they could get back together? Or is it more about regretting the betrayal? Regardless, he’s telling you this is platonic, but it sounds cloudier than that. I understand why this doesn’t feel great.
I’d also think that after five months, you might have met the kind of people he texts almost daily. Has there been any conversation about everyone getting together? Does he want her to remain a mystery?
I feel like there’s less to be said about the beneficiary thing. You’re not his partner in finances, and he can do what he wants. Really, you win nothing by advising him about this.
I think the bigger question is about the rest of it. You feel disrespected, but he’s basically telling you, “This person is in my life and that won’t change for now.” If that bothers you, it’s not going to work. If there are ways to make this better or more understandable to you (like meeting her), let him know.
But that’s it. As it stands, you can’t move past it. That seems to be the answer.
Readers? Any suggestions here?
Have advice for today’s letter writer? Be helpful. Be clever. Get your comment featured here.Meredith
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