I Want A Year To Think About The Marriage

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Years ago, my now-fiancé and I took a chance and moved away to start a life together. We became pregnant, and I wanted the father of my child to be with me and family. Five years after the move, which was for a job, I was pregnant again. (This was a happy surprise. For a few medical reasons, the chances of this happening again were low.)

But then I had a miscarriage that required a D&C. My fiancé didn’t support me much, and when I wanted to talk about it, he would ask why, and tell me to move on. I keep going over things in my head, what happened with the miscarriage, and I get sad.

Just before year anniversary of miscarriage, my fiancé and I began arguing. He said he was the one who made the decisions in our house. My son wouldn’t listen to me for some time; his dad had made it clear he was “top dog” – the only voice that mattered.

I became very upset and felt like our life wasn’t what I wanted us to be. Eventually, my fiancé started to do nice things again, but … I find myself unable to want to love him again. I feel like he left me to hang in the dark, and didn’t want to talk about the loss. I’m still struggling with what happened.

The only time I feel slightly better is when I’m away from him. I don’t want to end our relationship, but I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t see happy times. I find myself imagining a new relationship. One I’m not hurt in. The hard part is that I’m trying to stay strong for my son, but he sees I’m sad too. He gives me hugs and says loves me out of nowhere. I feel horrible for not being more attentive to his needs as a child, and like I’m not a good enough mom. I’m so lost and just want to feel better.

It seems like the only way to do this is leave, but I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do. Will my fiancé let me have a year to think things over? Is that fair of me, because he still has to work and pay bills for the house? Am I being totally unfair?

– Unfair?


I’m so sorry. This has been a difficult time, and it sounds like no one has been around to listen.

That’s why it would be wonderful to find some mental health services. This miscarriage was devastating, and you haven’t been able to figure out how to deal with the grief. Ask your doctor – the one who helped you with with all of this – to refer you to a therapist, someone who can see you soon. Consider support groups. Be clear about the urgency. You’ve been trying to compartmentalize your feelings for a long time now.

Tell your fiancé you’re seeking help, and ask if he’s interested in joining you at any point. It doesn’t have to be couples therapy. Once you’re settled in with a professional, there might be appropriate moments to bring someone along for discussion.

I don’t know about the “one year” idea, mainly because it seems arbitrary. It puts you both in an uncomfortable position, where there’s a countdown clock. If anything, you could move out, set up a schedule for parenting, and see how things go. No timeline, just cooperation.

To start, a week away – maybe with family or an excellent friend – might be a nice way to refuel as you set up appointments.

If you have any concerns about how your husband will respond to your needs, talk to your doctor about that too. This isn’t about who’s “letting” you go; it’s about figuring out what’s best for you and your child. It’s about being healthy – so you can have a good life.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on the year? What help should the LW seek?

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