I Was Toxic To Her

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I miss a girl that I used to work with. We had a great time together and I was interested in exploring a deeper relationship. However, I treated her quite poorly and lost her trust. I discussed my interactions and interpretation of her body language with peers. I accused her peers of sabotaging our friendship indirectly and directly. I ignored her whenever she made an attempt to discuss things with me. Whenever she needed support, I wasn’t there. She grew weary of my behavior. You could look up the definition of a toxic guy and slap my picture in there. For her, I think the negative outweighed the positive. If I were her, I wouldn’t want to speak with me or have any interaction with me again. Actions speak louder than words, and the one time I had a chance to kiss her I gave her a hug.

However, we had some good times together too. We were able to go the driving range and hit golf balls a couple times, workout, and eat dinner together. I just want to spend time with her I don’t care what we do. I had a pretty jovial mood and was pretty happy when I was with her. Work and my negative behavior began to weigh on me and I developed depression. I’ve been in it for two years now and have been working with a therapist through it. I bet she wouldn’t want to see me if I weren’t happy and smiling. I’d love to reconnect with her but I’m afraid I’ve already sunk my opportunity to restore my friendship with her. I can’t blame her for feeling that way but it’s very upsetting to me because of how much I like her. I’m probably not describing the full extent of how bad I made her feel but you can get a flavor based on the paragraphs above. Is it unreasonable to offer hope at the prospect she would consider being a friend again?

– Hoping


“I’m probably not describing the full extent of how bad I made her feel.”

I believe you.

For now, continue to work on yourself and grieve the relationship. You lost a great person, and that hurts. Feel your feelings.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to offer much, and that’s why I think it’s better to leave her alone. Why approach her if you don’t know what you’re asking for? Are you sure you want to see her, or is this more about regret and wishing you could apologize?

Are you ready to meet new people and navigate those relationships in better health? That might be the first step to getting to a place where you know what you want. You can create new community and make healthy connections. Focus on doing that.

I think good friends – and romantic partners – are OK with seeing someone who’s not at their best, someone who’s not always smiling. But they want to be treated well – for there to be mutual support and empathy.

You don’t know what you can offer this woman or what you’re trying to undo or begin. Yes, it’s possible she’d be open to a lot of things, but maybe you need to know more about where you are before pursuing her.

Talk more with the therapist about that.

– Meredith

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