I’m Reconnecting With My Ex-wife

Monday | January 3, 2022

Love Letters Relationships

I’m Reconnecting With My Ex-wife

It’s a new year. Let’s fix it. Send your own relationship/dating question to [email protected] or use this form.

I’m writing for some advice on dating a widow. She is actually my first wife.

We got married more than 30 years ago, but divorced about a decade later. We both remarried; my marriage ended in divorce, hers in the death of her husband.

About a year and a half after his passing, she sent me a text asking if I would like to have dinner. We talked for about five hours that night. We both admitted we still love each other, and she even told me we should have never divorced; we were just young and had no idea what we were doing.

We decided to start seeing each other, but she said she needed to take her time. She told me she did love her second husband, which I understand. That was six months ago, and yes, we have made some progress, but not as much as I thought. She is going slower than I thought we would.

I know she loves me, not because she tells me, but from her touch and from the look in her eyes. Nobody has ever looked at me the way she does. I do understand she loved her second husband, and I understand this is not easy for her, but it’s also not easy for me either, I just want us to be together and be happy.

Any advice you may have will be very helpful.

– Together and Happy

It’s only been six months. If you want someone who can go all in right now, it’s probably not this woman. It’s up to you to decide whether you can have patience, and whether this relationship is worth waiting for.

The thing is, I think you need to figure out what you want, and how you would change the status quo. Are you looking for more physical intimacy? Or are you hoping you’ll move in together? Would you be happier with one more night a week of quality time? What is the more you seek? Maybe if you can explain what progress means – to yourself, at least – you can ask her for something specific, and let her know what might bring you closer.

Maybe that ask will be smaller than you think. Perhaps it would take very little to make you feel like you’ve taken a few steps forward.

I advise you to drop the word “progress” form this conversation. It makes it seem like you want to be what you were – or are working your way to something very specific. It’d be better to figure out the goals together.

Please remember that you’re in a new relationship. Yes, you were married, but that was many years ago. You’ve lived different lives since then, and you’re still figuring out who she is now. Give yourself some time to do that without pressure.

– Meredith

Readers? How can the LW change (or talk about) the pace here?

Relationships

Featured Comment

It’s not cool to rush someone along in a relationship, so don’t do that. Once you’ve been seeing each other for a year, ask her, without pressure, how she sees the future with you. If she says “keep on going like we are,” then you’ll have to decide whether to continue, or move on. Talk in a kind way what each of you wants.

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