I’m Stuck In My Grief

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My best friend died nearly two years ago. Looking back, I feel that he’s the only person who loved me unconditionally. I was 14 when we met and we became friends immediately. He was so funny! When I was 20 he came by and professed his feelings for me. I only saw him as my friend. Soon I relented and the the chemistry was amazing. But his life became complicated and he cut contact for a year.

Then we began hanging out again and never really stopped. We did stop having sex, though. We valued one another more as friends. Then I got married and he still never let me go, but our relationship changed because of my responsibilities as a wife. Without a doubt, I missed our outings and laughter. Now, two years later, all I can think about are missed opportunities. I thought we had more time together. I thought we would double date with our spouses and share many more experiences.

You have a whole section on there not being a such thing as closure, but how do I let go of this sorrow? How do I stop the piercing regret of not being with my friend again? Never getting to see him smile or here his laugh is so devastating! I even tried befriending his wife to assuage my grief, but she had her own grief to process and couldn’t take care of mine too. Will I always feel like this?

– Misery missing my friend’s company


You won’t always feel exactly like this. You’ll still feel the grief, though.

From my experience (and from what I’ve seen and read), grief is always with you but takes different forms. Also, it is very much not linear. It can smack you in the face during year two, but fill you with gratitude on a random day during year three.

I’m glad you mentioned your romantic history with this person because it’s clear you’re grieving an ex, a lover, a friend, and chosen family. You put it best – you thought you’d have more time together.

If you’re not in therapy, figure out what options are available. Also look into grief support groups. But really, when you find yourself stuck in these thoughts, remember that feeling sad is part of the experience. There’s nothing to fix here, only better ways to manage and frame it.

I don’t believe in closure, and when it comes to the death of someone wonderful, I hope it doesn’t exist. Who wants to put closure on feelings about someone important? There are days I see something that reminds me of a loved one and I want to cry – with misery. Other times I want to smile because the memories are so good. Please notice when a thought is actually positive. You can take a beat to realize that something about him as made you laugh, feel more confident, or see something new in an interesting way. This person is still adding to your life experiences because of your rich history.

I have to bring up your second sentence – the one where you mention your friend is the only person who’s loved you unconditionally. Marriages aren’t necessarily about that kind of love, but I do wonder if everything is OK at home. Are you happy? You might need to talk about that too. I might be reading into that sentence, but please consider it.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice about how to grieve, especially someone who was so many things?

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