My boyfriend of five years and I have a great sex life. My problem is that I recently found a whole bunch of pornography and pictures on his phone.

There were other really suspicious things on there – like 55 random women adding him on Snapchat. And another girl saying she had to give him something at his work (he works overnights and he doesn’t know this woman in person). And just weird things. (Maybe I’m overthinking.)

We have had many convos where we both promised that we don’t watch pornography. It’s just not us.

One time he pranked me with a “fake” page to see my reaction cause his buddies dared him. After that little stunt, he promised that he didn’t do anything like that.

Now I won’t lie; I definitely have some serious trust issues. I definitely feel like my self-conscious issues have gotten a little bit worse with him because I feel like I don’t look hot enough for him. He is stunning; the actual most handsome and beautiful man I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I think that he is the best looking person that I’ve ever seen. No, he didn’t cheat, but he’s done things in other categories that make me wary. I feel like he shouldn’t even look at me or my body because of how repulsive I am. And to find a whole bunch of hot sexy women on his phone just proves my point.

This man tells me all the time that he has absolutely nothing to hide and that I can go through his phone whenever, but I don’t usually even touch his phone unless needed because it’s his privacy and I trust in him to have self control. But I had a bad feeling about things like a week and a half ago, so I went through his phone while he slept. We’ve both given each other our passwords.

But I found the pornography on there and I just felt so betrayed and hurt. I know that a lot of men watch this stuff. But the fact that he would watch it behind my back for the past five years and lie to me about it the whole time? Why did he keep reassuring me and lying to me? I would’ve been so much better with all of this had he told me within the first year! So I’ve been being lied to for my entire relationship and it doesn’t feel great. Also, he has been watching it like three to times a week.

And I feel like you’re just going to tell me the same thing I read everywhere else: “You can’t tell a man to just stop watching porn,” “You’re over reacting because everyone watches porn,” or “He’s not disrespecting you.”

When I asked him questions I didn’t even get real answers, he just threw random words at me. And I just feel such a sadness, rage and an uncomfortable feeling thinking about all this.

I kinda feel like the whole thing was my fault because I’m the one who went through his phone and hurt myself. I truly believed we had love at first sight and were soul mates. I’m so scared of not having him by my side but I also don’t think I will ever be able to get over this or gain back his trust. I feel like now our entire sex life was just him thinking about other women.

– thank you for reading this whole thing