What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
My friend of 22 years asked me to have a baby with her. We are in our late 30s, early 40s. Neither of us have kids. And neither of us is in a relationship. We had a brief unsuccessful fling not long ago. And it’s been about five months since that ended.
Took a little while to get back to our regular friendship, but we made it work. Then, about a two weeks ago, she asked me to have a baby with her. As friends. My answer was … we need to have lots of serious conversations. Then, think about what we say to each other, evaluate what we said, and have those conversations again. I have been giving it a lot of thought. Is taking over all my thoughts.
Now here is the issue, I always envision myself having the whole picture. Not necessarily with her, but I am open to it. I really like/love this person, but this person only sees me as a friend. She’s just not open to being with me, doesn’t want to date me, or even try. She is actively dating as we have our conversations. I have tried to ask what she is looking for in a relationship, but is hard for her to answer those questions, at least to me. All I can tell is that dating is a priority over what I think is a decision of a lifetime. Or anything else as a matter of fact. Is just hard for me to think and have this conversations as I see her trying to date and saying she’s single. What should I do?
– completely lost
It doesn’t sound like she’s the right co-parent for you. Why? Because you want more from her.
You say you’ve been trying to find the whole package, so why settle for part of it? It’s already frustrating to watch her go through life single while you’re right there, ready to give here attention. If there were no romantic feelings between you, there’d be more hope – and a clear boundary.
Instead, there’s some longing on your end, even if it’s minimal. Not a great way to start a complicated partnership.
Also, you don’t love her priorities. She has every right to date while considering this option, but if you’re not into that, it suggests an incompatibility.
Have the conversations if you want, but please prioritize your own well-being – and hers. Children require a lot of effort (understatement), and you’ll both want to do that with someone who shares your values and understands your feelings.
As it stands, this isn’t it.
Readers? Are the conversations worth having or is this a no regardless? How does age factor into this?
“You are right that this needs a lot of serious conversations about this, but if you can’t even find a way to have them, I don’t see this as a viable plan.
Also, she is not open to the whole package and this puts you in a vulnerable position. What will happen if she does find someone to have a relationship with? What happens to you? And your child.
Feels like a bad all around proposition. Keep searching; there is someone out there for you to have your child with who will want everything with you.”
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