I have been with a man for almost five years. He is caring, intelligent, loving, handsome and has always been there for me. I trust and respect him completely. However, once the honeymoon phase ended, our sex life completely disappeared. To be honest, it was never amazing to begin with, but I was content, or so I remember. I think what happened was that I started to realize I was the only one initiating, and I stopped to see what would happen and of course it just stopped. Another thing to mention is that we never really had a lot of chemistry or that flirty spark people talk about. Our relationship has always been comfortable. We were friends for years before we started dating.

I have tried to bring the sex issue up to him for the past two years and, from my perspective, he never really put in any effort to fix it. He told me that his sex drive just is never going to be on my level and that sex just was not a driver for him, and that was disappointing to hear. Since then I have been wondering if we are just not compatible in a fundamental way. I kept asking myself, “Do I need someone who is more sexually driven, or is this a compromise I can make? Doesn’t passion and sex fade in any relationship? Is this my fate if I choose monogamy no matter what? Or do I need to leave?”

These questions kept creeping into my head and I had just about given up until a week ago when he called me out on acting different and hiding things from him. I had been texting and flirting with a coworker and to be honest, I never expected him to notice. Obviously I know what I was doing wasn’t great, but I never felt like I crossed any lines. This emotional response from him is the most passion I’ve seen from him in two years. We had a long conversation and I began to realize all of the mistakes that I had made over the past two years as well. For the past week, he has basically been a different person. Super loving, putting in effort, opening up … but something still feels off for me. I feel more connected with him now than I have in a really long time and it is really nice and beautiful, but I still get anxious when he tries anything sexual with me. I think I also resent how long this took and that I needed to throw another person in his face to get a response.

Can I come back from being halfway out the door? Do I need time to readjust? Or do I just realize I need something he can’t give me and stop wasting his time? I love him so much and the thought of throwing away this amazing relationship over something like sex or flirtation breaks my heart and seems ridiculous. But so does the idea of never connecting on a sexual level with someone again. I was never going to leave my five-year stable, loving, respectful relationship for someone else, but I think it’s worth noting what this co-worker represented, which is this easy, flirty connection and sexual tension I am not sure I have ever had with my boyfriend.

And before you suggest it, I have gone to therapy, and all we talked about for months and months was my relationship, and yet here I am, still here, still stuck in indecision.

– Stuck