What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
I am 21 and grew up Sikh in India for 18 years. For that reason, I kept my hair long and didn’t realize the negative stereotypes associated with it. When I realized it was hindering me from getting proper treatment, I decided to cut it and to go clean shaven. All of a sudden I started getting a lot of attention from not only women but people in general, which raised my self-esteem and allowed me to command more respect from the world.
Then I met this girl at the pool. She is beautiful and have perfect chemistry. I study computer science, she studies engineering, and our dynamic just works. The sad thing is that she’s only here for about four more weeks. She’s in my city temporarily because of summer, but I ended up asking her out anyway and the date went great. It was full of laughs and fun conversations. Then I invited her back to my apartment to play some video games, and that’s basically all we did – we played video games for three hours. When she left I gave her a hug and expected another night out with her.
She is ghosting me for some reason now and my friends are telling me it’s because I didn’t “make the move” and that she probably feel that I friendzoned her – which is absolutely crazy because I am head-over-heels for this girl. Multiple female friends of mine also told me that they would be offended if I didn’t even go for a kiss (because that’s apparently the norm). As I said, I am very confident in life but very clumsy at reading romantic cues and norms. So, my questions are: did I mess this up colossally? Is there anything I can do to fix the situation? Because I am genuinely interested in the girl.
I’m sorry it took changing your appearance for people to treat you well in the world. I just wanted to say that.
Now let’s focus on your question. I would say there is no “norm” when it comes to first kisses. Sometimes it takes a while to get there.
That said, if I were in a summer program in a new town and someone invited me over to his place, and he never once suggested – even verbally – that I was on a date, I might assume it was a platonic thing. Especially if all we did was play video games for three hours.
Some good news: it’s not too late to tell her the truth. “I so wish I had kissed you the other night. I just wanted you to know, just in case that was something you were thinking about too.” Or, “I know you’re probably busy, but I have such a crush on you, and if you can make time, let’s play some more games.” (That one wasn’t very smooth, but you get the point.)
A lot of people are bad at reading signals. That’s why I like words that reflect the thing you’re thinking. Saying them usually gets you answers, for better or worse.
If she isn’t into the idea of more, remember that she leaves soon anyway. She might not want to spend her four weeks falling for someone. But all of this is good practice. Let’s try a Take 2 (and good luck!).
Readers? Too late to state intentions? What now? Please come up with a message that’s smoother than my attempts.
Have advice for today’s letter writer? Be helpful. Be clever. Get your comment featured here.Meredith
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