What’s your love and relationship problem?
Ask Meredith at Love Letters. Yes, it’s anonymous.
My boyfriend and I used to go to the gym together. But when we would get inside, he’d start causing fights, saying he doesn’t want me to even be at the same gym as him – saying “I distract him.” He said it was his “only guy time.” Now, he has a group of gym friends, both men and women, and he still doesn’t want me to go to the gym at the same time as him. He hangs out with his guy friends outside of the gym and has plenty of “guy time.” They all go out to eat sometimes and I have always understood that it was guy time, so I didn’t expect to be invited. But now it’s not just guys going, it’s also his female friends. The ones he goes to he gym with, as well, and I’m still not invited to go out to eat with them.
I don’t get invited and he says that I shouldn’t have to feel the need to be with him 24/7 or want to be invited out when he’s with his group of friends. This honestly makes me feel like he doesn’t want me around. Any time I try to talk to him about it, it just turns into a fight because he thinks I’m insecure. I’m not, I just don’t understand how when “guy time” is no longer guy time, I’m still not invited to be out and get to know his friends. He’s met my friends multiple times and I know that if I was ever doing something I think he would enjoy, I would invite him along without hesitation. Every single time.
– Banned from the Gym
“Guy time” means “friend time.” Rename it that in your brain. Friends are friends, no matter their gender. That should be the end of that part of the argument.
Friend time is a bit different with a significant other there. I see no problem with a person wanting plenty of independent friend time. But if you’re not getting your own quality time with him – and you feel hidden from his friends, like you’ve barely met them – that’s an issue. Like, if you knew them well because you’d all bonded at a party, you might feel less weird about his desire to see these people on his own.
Also, is he enthusiastic about spending time with your friends? No right or wrong answer here, just something to think about. Maybe he knows both of you will have a more comfortable time with your community.
But really, instead of thinking about who’s wrong or right in this situation, it’s better to consider compatibility. I think it’s wonderful for people to be able to take breaks from each other and have quality time with friends alone. But that’s me. Maybe you would be in a better partnership with someone who doesn’t separate this kind of time, someone who loves combining worlds, double dates, and thinks to invite you whenever you’d enjoy an activity. Your boyfriend really needs this space, and even if he compromises, he might not feel like the partner you want. That’s OK.
Readers? Problem here? Incompatibility?
I wouldn’t be as concerned about hisguy timeu0022 as I would be about his starting fights any time you bring up something that bothers you. That’s the red flag that should tell you all you need to know.u0022 – JonRunsGrafton
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