Halloween Is a Cruel Reminder That Women Must Strive to Be Sexy

For women, Halloween is an annual conundrum. If you’re not a crafty, DIY type, and if you don’t see the holiday as an annual opportunity to wear something incredibly revealing, good luck finding a store-bought costume.

Witch costumes come pre-paired with thigh-highs, and clear heels are basically a “must’’ for every woman’s costume from cop to sailor. We all know how easy it would be to catch a crook while wearing a mini-skirt and 4-inch stiletto boots. Some costumes have always had ‘sexy’ versions. Kittens.Flight attendants.Cheerleaders.Mermaids. Sexy costume creep has gone far, far beyond the traditional go-to costumes for women who want to show a little – or a lot – of skin.

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Spiderman wore pants, dammit. (He may have worn a skin-tight costume that showed every trace of his musculature, but at least he covered his legs.) Either way, he never wore a sequined tube top.

∙ If Nemo looked even remotely like this, the movie would have never been rated G.

∙ This in no way resembles a dinosaur. It looks like something a 3-year-old would pick out to wear and even a 3-year old would know that if it’s cold enough to wear that hat, you’re sure as hell gonna need some pants.

Polar bears don’t wear thigh-high boots. And if they did, they would wear them with fur pants of some variety.

∙ The Little Mermaid’s Ursula is – and has always been – an enormous, hideous monster. What in god’s name is this? Ursula was never meant to be “sassy.’’ She was evil.

there was some indication things were improving, and that costume options for women were becoming slightly less, well, “feisty.’’ Fast-forward two years, and it’s pretty clear that we’re still a ways off.

Even the costumes which you thought would be safe from being slutified, i.e. the ones imitating some of the world’s smartest, strongest, and most loyal women, are no longer options.

Woman: I think I’ll dress up like a judge.

You thought you were so clever, didn’t you, coming up with the idea of dressing as a judge? So much for dressing like liberal icon and current Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg or former justice and Presidential Medal of Freedom award-winner Sandra Day O’Connor.

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The ‘sexy judge costume’ promises that “criminals will be lining up.’’ Included are: “a translucent black robe, black panties, a black garter belt, and black thigh high stockings.’’ (The judge costume, available earlier this week, is now completely sold out on Amazon. So your best bet if you want to go this route is to modify an actual judge costume, or, you know, dress like an actual judge.)

Woman: Okay, I’ll be a police officer.

a lot like male police officers.

If you’re consoled by thinking costume manufacturers think differently when it comes to dressing girls, think again. This police officer costume – offered for girls as young as 4 – comes complete with fishnet stockings.

Woman: Well, if all else fails, I can always be a nun.

sexy nun, bad habit nun, feisty nun, and naughty nun and sinful sister.

Having a PhD is sexy. But nothing about this says you have an advanced degree. And nothing about this says nerd.

Happy Halloween to all you ladies hoping to spend a day living vicariously as a fire-fighter. Be careful, though. That costume that is almost definitely flammable.

It’s 2014. The year of #YesAllWomen. And women deserve one day a year when they can dress up according to their own fantasies – not those of men.

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