1. Should we even have men in politics? The Massachusetts legislature voted to expel Rep. Carlos Henriquez, which is good since it probably doesn’t make a ton of sense to have someone convicted of punching a woman who refused to have sex with him, you know, making laws and whatnot. According to Maine Governor Paul LePage, 7% of all babies born in Maine last year were “drug-addicted.” If Jeff McCormick wants to be taken seriously as a candidate for governor, he has some studying to do. What is it with Scott Brown and technology? If he’s not pocket tweeting, he’s filling your inbox with spam. Poor New York. Can you imagine how difficult it is for an entire city to cope with the trauma of having elected a mayor whose fashion sense doesn’t live up to that of his predecessor? The New York Times can. Meanwhile, Boston seems to be adjusting well in the transition from one mayor who didn’t care about fashion to another who doesn’t care. American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken is running for Congress. But should we be concerned about the prospect of a B-list celebrity being elected to serve in an institution that no one actual respects and that doesn’t really get much done at all? I mean, really, he can’t make it any worse.
2. Go home Sochi, you’re drunk. Today in news that will make you glad you’re not a reporter covering the Olympics. Russia is now saying it can guarantee safety in Sochi. But does that leave other soft targets in Russia at risk? Will NBC be able to cover the Olympics objectively? I mean, how are reporters supposed to focus on being objective when they’re locked inside their hotel rooms? The water still looks more like apple cider than water. Mobile bills are through the roof. Speaking of roofs ... There are spycams in the bathrooms. And the food is “in the ass.” The reporters don’t even get the usual amazing swag bags to which they’ve grown so accustomed. Maybe, just maybe, this is all part of the plan, and the #SochiProblems just a smokescreen to distract from Russia’s real problems? For example, the extent of the country’s violent homophobia. Or maybe it’s stories like that of Pussy Riot (interviewed last night on the Colbert Report) that Putin would like us to forget.
3. Game change. Angry Birds is ancient history. And Candy Crush is most useful in helping you determine who to unfriend on Facebook. The new pastime for adults who have completely given up on developing age-appropriate hobbies and interests is Flappy Bird. It’s a huge success, bringing in $50,000 a day. It’s also a “perversely, oppressively difficult game.” Is it even a game? Or just “an addictive collection of pixels you don’t win, you simply play until you’re frustrated enough to delete it.” Here’s an in-depth look at the physics of Flappy Bird. I miss the good old days, when friends would get together and enjoy a nice game of Boggle.
4. News on the news. That piece the New York Times published that presented sexual abuse allegations against Woody Allen? The Los Angeles Times passed on it. This guy does NOT want to work at BuzzFeed. Will establishment media organizations learn from their cooler, hipper counterparts? They’re both singers, but Rihanna and Ashanti are actually not the same person. The age of the news portal is back! Basically, it’s like the late 1990s, but with Facebook and Twitter instead of Geocities and with way better cell phones. It turns out, not all reporters are jerks and not all New Yorkers are jerks. Case in point: this New York Times reporter. The former mayor of Providence might want to buy the city’s newspaper. Imagine if Menino bought the Herald! Twitter does not represent the “real world.” Just because it isn’t real doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be doing it well. Here’s a primer on advanced Twitter trolling. And, for a few years from now when your tweets number in the tens of thousands and you begin to hate yourself, a primer on weaning yourself from Twitter. The next time you’re panicking because of an impending raindrop set to hit the streets of Boston, you might end up turning to an unlikely weather source: Gawker.
5. Also … Global warming must be a hoax, because if it was real, the oceans would be warming at the rate of 12 Hiroshima bombs per second. Oh wait … Will the town currently known for having banned colored Christmas lights soon be the state’s capital of raccoon attacks? Here’s what it looks like when an asteroid slams into Mars. A drug-crazed naked teenager who seemed to possess superhuman strength bit the face of a man. And where did this happen? Florida, obviously. Ever walk into a Subway and breathe in that sweet, sweet smell? You may have been smelling azodicarbonamide, a chemical used in Subway bread, yoga mats and the soles of your sneakers. But don’t worry, they’re phasing it out.
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