1. Countdown to trial. A federal judge scheduled the trial of alleged Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev for November 2014. Defense attorneys are already pushing back on the decision, arguing they need more time to prepare. I’m not sure this is as true as people think, but let’s pretend for the sake of people who want to be outraged that it definitely is: Why do progressives want Tsarnaev to live?
2. Winter continues to shock the nation, despite coming every single year. Guess what parts of the country are bracing for bad weather today? Basically all of them. It’s snowing in New York. It’s going to snow in Boston. But the real concern is in the south, where everyone is totally freaking out, and for good reason. Who’s going to replant all those peach trees? Will 100,000 gallons of de-icing fluid be enough to keep the airports operational? In Atlanta people appear to be hiding inside their homes, having learned their lesson last time around. Finally, someone is offering truly helpful tips on how to survive the catastrophic event we call winter in the south. Nothing says winter more than a hose “vomiting ice cylinders.” All this winter really gets to some people. Maybe if you took your seasonal depression and redirected it in the form of snow rage? Don’t worry, seasonal depression comes and goes, but seasonal complaining is a year-round kind of thing. I can’t wait to be all up in arms about the impending heat wave.
3. Happy Valentine’s Day, perverts! A pill that boosts the libidos of women might also make them fall asleep while driving. If you’re asleep at the wheel, how can you properly sext nudes, which—according to a recent report —Americans are doing more and more. You know what doesn’t boost the libidos of women? Naked man statues. Also, revenge porn is on the rise. If you’re not busy editing your next revenge porn installment, you might want to educate yourself on all the things you don’t know about condoms. You can now legally change your name to “Sexy” in Ohio. One Massachusetts school came up with the brilliant idea to ban yoga pants. Then, likely having realized that a ban on yoga pants would do little more than cause a surge in jeggings, they changed their mind. Basically, girls can’t wear sweatpants because there is there is literally nothing teenage boys don’t find distracting. Imagine a woman named “Sexy” taking libido pills while sexting nudes and brainstorming her next revenge porn, all while wearing a cozy pair of yoga pants. Or, if that’s too titillating, maybe you’d just like to look at some pictures of Barbie instead.
4. Word. The next time someone flips you off in traffic, try rolling down the window and educating them on the very first definitive use of the “f word.” And by “f word” I don’t mean “felfie,” which is a new word used to describe a selfie taken by a farmer. You know how America is generally the best at basically everything? (Except for math and science. We’re pretty bad at those.) Well, turns out we’re also not the best when it comes to freedom of the press. To be fair, we are still right up there in obesity.
5. Also ... Lemme get this straight. Bob Costas comes down with a bad case of pink-eye and Matt Lauer suddenly gets to be on TV all the time because the public can’t bear to look at Costas any longer. Lauer jokes that maybe Putin is to blame. Which is weird, since it turns out pink-eye is sometimes just gonorrhea. In your EYE. (Is it possible Putin has weaponized gonorrhea?) The whole thing is pretty funny. Here’s how to avoid becoming the next Bob Costas. Speaking of the Olympics, wouldn’t it be amazing if Boston got to host in 2024? Maybe. Also, maybe not. Simon Cowell couldn’t save the X-Factor. I can’t imagine anyone would ever cancel a show this undeniably good. Two girls thought they might be related, so they used social media and crowdfunding to create a version of Parent Trap even the millenials can appreciate. Toyota is recalling a ton of cars because of a software glitch. Just be glad you’re in a malfunctioning Toyota instead of Corvette falling into a sinkhole. All those carefully assembled outfits you spend so much time thinking about? Maybe you shouldn’t bother. Are you one of the few people who still goes to the mall? Today in the rise and fall of Flappy Bird: Was racism a factor? What’s the inside story on the app’s “untimely death”? Do you need to read a lot more about this game? Don’t worry. There’s an entire blog aggregating nothing but Flappy Bird think pieces. Local Girl Scout cookie sales experts (aka Girl Scouts) explain the art of selling Girl Scout cookies. One selling point: “Popcorn makes you sleepy. But cookies make you hyper.” Sold! I’ll take 10 boxes. It’s hard to be a teen today. When you’re not busy sexting and snapchatting, you could get your tongue stuck to a frozen pole. (I remember a time when essentially the only thing taught to children of a certain age was to always resist the temptation to lick frozen poles.) Anyway, it’s all very stressful. One dad has a great story to tell his kid someday about why he missed the birth. He was caught smoking pot in the delivery room. As a country I think we need to spend less time freaking out about snow and smoking pot while our kids are being born, and more time talking about what a genius this crow is.
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