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If you’re sick of run-of-the-mill Boston meteorologists and easy-to-read TV forecasts, fear not.
Weather Man, who purports to be an “energy being” who “bubbled up from the surface of the planet” 10 years ago from the “weather realm,” can supply you with all the bizarre weather forecasts you desire.
But he’s not just here to do forecasts on a website called Weather Is Happening that looks like it’s from the 1990s and is filled with a unique blend of his own original weather terms and LOLcat-era internet-speak.
Weather Man has an important message he hopes we all take to heart: we need to repent to our weather lords and stop the planet’s death spiral (aka climate change).
What we know for sure is that it all started in May 2012.
If you ask Weather Man, he was hanging out in the Weather Realm, which he describes as a vapor-filled layer of subspace deep below our layer, when he heard our call.
“I could feel this planet starting to get a little bit nervous about climate change. Not quite nervous enough at the time,” Weather Man said of his arrival. “But once a population reaches a certain level of climate anxiety, that’s usually when I would pop up onto a planet.”
According to Weather Man, there was a suitable host for him — a man in his late 30s from the Boston area — who he was able to take control of soon after appearing.
“I inherited both an accent and nicotine addiction,” he said.
Weather Man said he came to this planet with two missions: firstly, to predict the weather; and secondly, to let people know that they can repent to their weather lords, or in Weather Man-speak, “repent 2 UR weather lords.”
How do we do that? Simple.
“Basically you have to end death-spiral-ism and stop your powers and oligarchs from destruxting (one of his unique terms) you and your planet,” he said.
While climate change is the primary vehicle for the death spiral, Weather Man said, fascism is helping it along.
His statements may seem political, but Weather Man said he never intended them to be.
“I don’t mean to get exactly political, but it’s hard not to when your death spiral is so political,” he said.
Weather Man began forecasting weather on his website — which he calls a “webzone” — back in May 2012. From there, he’s made accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok. At the time of publication, he has about 22,000 followers across social media.
Before COVID, he also did performances and had tables at conventions. He even gave a talk at Google Cambridge in 2017 and Athena Health in 2018.
Weather Man claims to be Boston’s #1 source for no-nonsense weather, making clear to his audience that his weather predictions are just predictions, not set in stone, unlike some other meteorologists.
But what really makes Weather Man’s forecasts stand out is the way he receives them. He’s not using meteorological equipment and taking measurements like most weathermen.
No, Weather Man works full-time getting his forecasts when he goes down to an underground portal and receives feverish visions from the weather lords, at least according to him.
“Those fevers visions can be quite uncomfortable. You know, I’m laying in front of a portal, and when I say feverish visions, I mean, my fever goes up to 101, 103 degrees sometimes even,” he said.
“So I’m there sort of shaking on the ground before the portal, having a very uncomfortable time. But, you know, I got to do it.”
A typical weather forecast post from Weather Man will have today’s forecast typed out in his personal brand of internet speak, such as “rainblobs” to mean rain, accompanied by a summary picture or radar video.
Weather Man said his unique vernacular is due to not knowing many of the English words for weather when he first appeared on Earth. Now, he keeps using them because he thinks it makes his forecasts special, or as he would say, “spesh.”
But all of his posts are certain to have his trademark red hurricane symbol with a yellow hexagon and an Illuminati-esque triangle eye in the middle.
Weather Man said he chose the symbol for its aesthetic appeal, and so that his followers could look directly into the eye of their weather lords. His signature sunglasses, on the other hand, are fused to his face.
Weather Man said that some things have improved since he first appeared on this planet. He said more people are aware of climate change as an issue and are organizing against it.
But there’s still more we have to do to stop the death spiral, he said.
“You just continue to spew emissions, getting your weather lords all drunk on carbon, and you keep increasing these emissions as well,” he said.
“That’s the main thing, but really your entire global economic system is based on the destruxting of you and your planet.”
Weather Man said he’s really hoping we solve climate change seeing as he expects to be on the planet for thousands of more years (whilst switching host bodies, of course).
If we don’t fix this problem, not only will we be unable to have ice cream — a delicacy unmatched by anything on any other planet, according to Weather Man — but it’s going to get quite uncomfortable for both him and our descendants.
Like many meteorologists, Weather Man admits that we will suffer a certain degree of the effects of climate change no matter what. Still, he said, he has hope for us humans.
“One thing that I’ve learned on your planet by reading some of your history books — your history is replete with moments of rapid change,” he said.
“So I do believe that you could one day stop your powers, your oligarchs, from destruxting you and your planet.”
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