After hearing that Red Sox utilityman Brock Holt ended up on the team’s 10-day injured list at the hands — or fingers — of his two-year-old son, talk show host Jimmy Kimmel joked the situation is “a lesson to all the working dads out there.”
“Never spend time with your children,” Kimmel quipped during Monday’s installment of his eponymous late-night program.
The Red Sox announced Saturday morning Holt had suffered a scratched cornea. According to Holt, his beloved toddler, Griffin, poked him in the right eye the morning of Opening Day — and his fingernail apparently did some damage.
Seeking to learn if there’s another side to the story, Kimmel decided to invite Griffin as a guest on his show Monday night. Upon introducing Griffin, via video, to his studio audience, however, the adorable tot was nowhere to be found. Instead, a bearded face atop a child-sized body appeared on the screen.
Kimmel proceeded to ask “Griffin” for the details behind Holt’s injury.
“I’m just sitting at home, minding my f****** own, watching Tom Brady the tank engine as I do,” said “Griffin,” who initially called Kimmel “Sully.” “All of a sudden, this dot rat tries to tell me it’s bedtime. Guy f****** picks me up. Picks me up! So, what do I do? I scratch him right in the eye.”
In between answering questions from Kimmel, “Griffin” drank out of a sippy cup that he said was filled with “Sam Adams and [his] mommy’s booby juice.”
“It’s freakin’ delicious,” he said. “You cannot get this stuff at Dunkies.”
When Kimmel suggested he should apologize to his dad, “Griffin” scoffed at the idea.
“What are you? My frickin’ mother?” he said. “I ain’t apologizing. And irregardless, I’m glad I did it. How do you like them applesauces? They come in pouches now just like my chewing tobacco.”
Kimmel then thanked “Griffin” for explaining his side of the story and advised him to “try not to hurt anyone else.” But the oh-so-pugnacious “Griffin” promptly tried to provoke Kimmel to take him on in a fight.
“You want a piece of me?” he yelled. “Let’s go! Right now!”
He ultimately relented in favor of the children’s television show, “Paw Patrol.”
“The terrible twos,” Kimmel said. “That’s a real thing.”
Warning: Video uses explicit language.