‘The Onion’ goes deep on Manny

If your grumpy self could use a laugh this morning after a late-night Red Sox loss, we’ve got a fun link here that might do the trick.

“The Onion,” the hilarious and popular satirical news website, comes out swinging on a topic that is right in their wheelhouse — the goofball antics of the one and only Manny Ramirez.

In the article — again, it’s satirical, meaning it’s not real but not too far from the realm of possibility, either — Ramirez is portrayed as oblivious to . . . well, everything, including his 50-game suspension for testing positive for performance-enhancing substances.

A few of the highlights of the piece, titled “Am I In Trouble?” This first one made me think the writer is a legitimate Sox fan:

“Being suspended is one thing, man, but not being able to play baseball is really, really bad,” Ramirez said. “I am going to miss baseball very much. I would like to tell everybody that I really love baseball, and that I love baseball, and that I am going to miss hitting the baseball forever and ever. I would like to end my career as a Yankee.”


And can’t you just see this happening?

Sources close to Ramirez have reported that when the embattled star is told that his urine sample contained traces of a women’s fertility drug, he typically giggles, extends his arms, and points his index fingers at whoever is trying to explain the predicament.

That is, when he’s not (satirically) pointing a finger at a teammate:

“If something is really messed up, I didn’t do it, okay? It wasn’t me. It was probably Brad,” said Ramirez, attempting to deflect blame onto Dodgers catcher Brad Ausmus. “He’s no good. I do not like him. He should be in trouble, not me.”

Funny stuff. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go read the piece about another mistake Brett Favre made with his right arm.

Loading Comments...

Ski season updates, free from The Boston Globe.
Get the Globe's free newsletter, It's All Downhill, for the latest from the slopes.
Thanks for signing up!
Sports Q
Who is your Red Sox sleeper?
February 22, 2017 | 7:30 AM