Fantasy sports might be the nerdiest thing a regular guy can get away with. Between knowing what PPR and YPC stand for and squealing with joy when another grown man catches a ball, it’s hard to justify even showing your face in public on a Sunday afternoon or a Monday night.
For the most part, your pathetic fantasy football life plays out privately, but the height of all this nerdom is draft day, when everyone in your friend group packs his laptop, puts on his best T-shirt, and tries not to act too giddy.
Some drafts have already taken place, but draft season begins in earnest this weekend. If you’re like me, you’ve spent the last few weeks frantically clicking between what little actual work you do and your latest mock. That major edge you’re getting is well worth the risk of being fired, and should last about as long on draft day as your willpower not to break into that third IPA.
My big day (written totally unironically) is Saturday. I’m in a 14-team league with roughly the same group of guys who’ve been doing it the last 10 years. Once you’ve been in one fantasy league you’ve pretty much been in them all. New guys come in, but they essentially fill the roles of the guy they replaced. Whether you’re new to a league or have been playing forever, here are the eight guys you’ll meet at your upcoming fantasy draft.
— The Wheeler and Dealer
This guy hasn’t even gotten both feet in the door and he’s already asked you about making a trade. He calls everyone “pal’’. He’s got a terrible pick, but if things fall into place like he thinks they will early, he may be willing to talk to you about shaking things up.
— Mr. Prepared
You never see his face because it’s buried behind a laptop or a pile of rankings sheets. This guy’s done like 30 mocks. He looks stressed, like Costanza when he pretended to be mad at work so his boss thought he was busy.
— The “Called It’’ Guy
Says some variation of“called it’’, “knew it’’, or “yup’’ on every pick. Dude couldn’t possibly shake his head yes more vigorously.
— The Overly Excited Dad
This is his one day a year to let loose. He comes like 40 minutes early. He brings his own homebrewed beer (called something like Pigskin Porter, the label has Draft Day 2014 and a picture of a football on it), and he’s insistant that you try one. His team eventually sucks, mostly because you can tell between driving the kids around to whatever kids are driven to and going to work he’s spent like five minutes on this.
— The Guy Who Names Every Star From 2009
Could be the same guy. For whatever reason this dude hasn’t kept up. Takes Ray Rice in the first round and Greg Jennings in like the 4th. This guy is less annoying and much more amusing than the guy who tries to draft players that were already picked three rounds ago.
— The Guy Who’s Constantly on the Phone With His Girlfriend
“Babe, listen. … Hold on, it’s my pick, lemme call you right back. ’’
— Mr. Quick Trigger
This guy really, really likes Aaron Rodgers, and he isn’t afraid to take him with the No. 2 overall pick even though he probably could have snagged him on the way back. “Bounce-back year, baby. Wooo.’’
— Better Than You Guy
This jerk sneers at everything everyone else does, particularly at picks he deems too “obvious’’. Tries to snap up every sleeper four rounds too early. Literally stands up and pumps his fist for snagging Cordarrelle Patterson in the second.
— The Homer
First four picks are Gronk, Brady, Ridley, and Vereen. Takes Brandon Lafell in like Round 8.