Patriots

GRONK SMASH!!! No Player Is More Fun to Watch Than Rob Gronkowski

I suppose there are a few reasons why a football fan wouldn’t like Rob Gronkowski.

He doesn’t play for your team, and you put abject parochialism before the appreciation of Meathead Football Genius.

He just played against your team and spent the postgame scraping what’s left of your starting free safety from between his cleats.

He reminds you of that dream-life frat bro with the massive lats who once stole your best girl and two of her friends just because he could.

He seems to enjoy techno music. A lot. You even suspect, after watching him dance, that it plays on an endless loop in his head.

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I will accept those as understandable and justifiable reasons for your anti-Gronk sentiments.

Otherwise, you’ve got no excuse. I can’t think of a player I’ve ever witnessed who is such a force of nature as a player and so hilariously, charmingly guileless as a personality than Gronk.

He plays the game with a combination of dominance — there has never been a better all-around player at tight end, and hell yes, I mean that — and sheer joy that is both exhilarating and scarce.

Among his contemporaries, I don’t know who comes close — maybe J.J. Watt? I can’t really think of anyone quite like Gronk though.

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And Sunday night, well, that was his tour de force, at least until his next tour de force.

Let’s do what everyone has been doing all day anyway. Let’s talk about Gronk’s performance in the Patriots’ 42-20 victory.

Four thoughts:

He definitely makes sound effects as he’s running over tacklers and down the field. Definitely. I mean, is there any doubt about this?

There is no doubt about this.

The real question is this: What kind of sound effects? Does he just say, “Nope” … “Sorry” … “Excuse me, kind sir” as he chucks Colt after Colt aside on his touchdown catch-and-rumble-and-crush-and-leap?

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Does he yell “KABOOM!” or “GRONK SMASH …GRONK SMASH AGAIN!” every time he stiff-arms a linebacker?

Does he make laser sounds? “Peow! Peow!”

Or does he just laugh non-stop — “HUH-HUH-HUH” — the whole time?

Right. Probably a combination.

He should be miked up for every game. I’ve been poking around to find out whether Gronk might have been wearing a microphone last night, maybe for NBC Sports Network’s excellent Turning Point program since it was an NBC game.

From what I’ve heard so far, he wasn’t. NFL Films would have made the decision. But man, what a comedy jackpot it would be if he was.

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His ideas for revenge come from “The Blind Side”. Say there, Mr. Sergio Brown. Ever seen this?

Actually, there’s probably no reason for Brown to watch it. He just lived it. Endured it. Possibly even survived it.

Appearing on NBC Sports Network after the game, Gronk explained why, on Jonas Gray’s fourth and final touchdown run, he blocked Brown so relentlessly, to the sideline and beyond, that when the play was over the Colts defensive back needed to be peeled off the Lucas Oil Stadium turf.

“He was yappin’ at me the whole time,” explained Gronk. “So I took him and threw him out of the club.”

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Given that Brown is the player who broke Gronk’s arm and altered the course of the Patriots season two years ago on what should have been an innocuous collision on an extra-point attempt, Gronk has to feel like the penalty he received on the play was the best 15 yards he ever spent.

What I don’t get is why Brown was yappin’ at Gronk. He played for the Patriots for two seasons, 2010-11. He practiced against Gronk, what, more than 100 times? Surely he knew that you don’t make Gronk angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry. And yet he antagonized him to the point that Gronk decided he’d heard enough and demolished him.

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You’d think Brown would know better than to poke the beast. Then again, maybe it’s a clue as to why he didn’t get a third season in Foxborough.

He could have ended up with a new nickname. Based on that “threw him out of the club” line — perhaps the all-time classic Gronkism — someone, probably a Fox Sports 1 anchor, might try to stick him with the nickname “The Bouncer.”

And that would kind of work, though no nickname works better than just calling him Gronk.

The abbreviation of his actual surname is the perfect nickname for him, and always will be. Gronk sounds like a Tonka truck that had limited production in 1975 because it was running over too many children in the sandbox.

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Children named Sergio, probably.

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