New England is Better Than Seattle at Football and at Everything Else, Too

Seattle has no answer for the J. Geils Band.
Seattle has no answer for the J. Geils Band. –The Boston Globe

Man, it’s great to be a Patriots fan. For the past fifteen years, the playoffs haven’t been a privilege — they’ve been a right. Deflategate? Be more jealous, America-that-isn’t-New-England.

This Sunday, the world will again know what we’ve been certain of since, oh, Week 8 or so: the Patriots are the best in the business.

But there’s more to life than football. In fact, life also includes things like food, music, history, education, recreation, movies and television. So how do New England and Seattle compare in these regards? Read on and find out.

Disclaimer: Everything said here about Seattle is either anecdotal, taken from the first page of Google or completely made up. Anyways…

Does Seattle cuisine make people smile like New England’s? Nope. —The Boston Globe
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Food

If you expected mercy, you came to the wrong place. No, this showdown opens with possibly New England’s most important cultural contribution: its food. Simply put, the region knows seafood. From Maine lobsters to New England Clam Chowder, nobody does it better. Not that Seattle doesn’t try. They too, have fish, and sometimes they throw them at you. So, tie? Just kidding.

Winner – Boston

Music

As the birthplace of grunge, arguably the most influential style of American music over the last 30 years, Seattle should take this category running away, right? Wrong. Nope, it’s not high school anymore, so leave Nirvana‘s Nevermind in its sleeve. Don’t be that guy. Know whose fan you want to be? J. Geils Band’s. The classic rock staple has that indelible, can’t-get-it-out-of-your-head sound that distinguishes the true greats. And they have a harmonica player called Magic Dick.

Winner – Boston

Not actual minutemen, but you get the idea.The Boston Globe

History

Between the Boston Tea Party, the Battle of Lexington and Concord and Paul Revere’s Ride, nothing else in America matches New England for historical importance. Meanwhile, Seattle was founded in 1993 so Microsoft employees had a place to live. Or so I’m told.

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Winner – Boston

Education

MIT. Harvard. My alma mater, Emerson College. And that’s just the immediate Boston area. Elsewhere in the region are Yale, Bowdoin, Dartmouth, Amherst and countless others. What does Seattle have? A bunch of schools I’ve never heard of, that’s what.

Winner – Boston

The Space Needle: the world’s most unnecessary landmark. —REUTERS

Things to do

If it’s warm out, New England boasts some of the best beaches in the country. If it’s cold out, the skiing is great, too. Seattle has Mt. Rainier, “one of the most dangerous volcanoes in the world’’ according to its Wikipedia page, and the Space Needle. What does the Space Needle even do? Nobody knows.

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Winner – Boston

Film and TV

Another rough category for the competition’s West Coast entrant. Sleepless in Seattle has its place, Singles is a solid entry in Cameron Crowe’s catalog, and Twin Peaks has a certain charm, but this category is a bloodbath. Between modern classics like Good Will Hunting and Legally Blonde and classic classics like Cheers and The Thomas Crown Affair, it’s not even a competition.

Winner – Boston

BONUS: Beacon Hills

In the course of my several minutes of research I discovered that Seattle, like Boston, has a section called Beacon Hill. Which is better? Well, Boston’s is the only one that shows up on the first page of a Google search, and as of this writing, you can ski there, so you tell me. Scratch that, I’ll tell you.

Winner – Boston

Verdict – New England 7, Seattle 0

New England wins in a shutout. What, were you expecting anything else?

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Play ’em off, J.

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