Miss last night’s stunning win by the White Sox? No worries. Today we’re providing a transcript of all the action, courtesy of your friends at Fox.
Joe Buck: Good evening everybody and welcome to Game 2 of the 2005 World Series. Tim McCarver in a moment. Lou Piniella opted out of calling these games with us to tend concerns for his Florida home, thanks to Hurricane Wilma. Or that’s the story we told you. The honest truth is, we’ve replaced him with this pet rock whose contract we purchased on eBay. But we expect the same level of analysis as Lou delivered, which admittedly wasn’t much. And now, we welcome Tim McCarver.
McCarver: Joe, could you call me “Timmy” like Lou did? It makes me feel special.
Buck: Yeah, sure. But before we get to you, just wanted to point out that the entire wacky cast of “That 70’s Show” is sitting directly behind the dugout. Ironically enough we had this promo ready telling you that you can catch the 70’s kids Tuesday nights, right here on Fox. Now, Tim what have you got for us?
McCarver: I used to be a catcher.
Buck: Yes you did, Timmy. Before we go to commercial, isn’t that Stacey Keach sitting in the Fox private suite along the first base line? In case you hadn’t heard one of the 15,000 times we’ve told you this month, “Prison Break” can be seen Monday nights at 9, right here on Fox. Now, let’s go to commercial, where I can guarantee you we’ll see a promo for “Prison Break.”
Buck: While you were watching that ad for the new Fox hit “Bones” Tuesday nights at 8, right here on the Fox network, I’ll just let you know the only thing you missed was a Morgan Ensberg home run to make it 1-0 Astros.
McCarver: The Astros are looking for their first World Series victory in their first World Series appearance. They’ve finally made it to the wedding, after being left at the altar so many times before. It’s like Eartha Kitt once sang, “Who´s got the ding dong, who´s got the bell. Somebody know but nobody tell.”
Buck: My God, where’s Troy Aikman?
McCarver: He’s sitting there behind home plate.
Buck: Indeed he is. And you can catch my other booth partner and I every week on Fox NFL Sunday, right after JB, Terry, Howie and Jimmy at noon.
McCarver: You know, Joe, I just wanted to remind people of what a great job Jorge PO-SaDA did running from first to third in Game 4 against the California Angels.
Buck: First of all, for our young viewers out there, Tim means the Los Angeles Angels, and second of all, that was two weeks ago.
McCarver: The point being, Aaron Rowand stopped at second. Bad base running. If that were PO-SaDA, he would have scored twice in all likelihood.
Buck: Right. Let’s see what Scooter thinks. Scooter…
Scooter: Buzz off, Buck. You know nobody likes me. Why must you torment me?
Buck: Um, OK. Let’s go to Chris Myers then, Chris?
Chris Myers: Joe, in a pathetic attempt to chisel the stone from my face-lifted mug as well as my personality, I called Bill Murray and asked him if he had done anything since Ghostbusters and he hung up on me. Isn’t that ingenious? See, I’m as hip as that MTV movie geek Chris Connelly ESPN replaced me with.
Buck: So hip that you apparently missed “Lost in Translation,” “Rushmore,” “The Life Aquatic,” “Royal Tenenbaums,” “Kingpin,” “Groundhog Day,” and “What About Bob,” to name a few since Ghostbusters. Thanks though, Chris, for that embarrassingly useless report.
McCarver: Was Murray in “Yankee Doodle Dandy” starring the late James Cagney and Joan Leslie?
Buck: No, Tim, I do not believe so.
McCarver: Ask George Steinbrenner, and he’ll tell you it was anything but a Yankee Doodle Dandy this month in the Bronx.
Buck: My God, it’s only the third?
McCarver: Bronson Backe warming in the bullpen for the Astros.
Buck: That’s Brandon, Tim.
Buck: Forget it. Let’s go back to Chris Myers. Chris?
Myers: Joe, do you like the way my hair looks? I killed a four-by-six layer of the ozone by hardening it with four different cans of hair spray.
Buck: That’s… Anyway, as the graphic will tell you, RIGHT NOW, there are runners on first and third for the White Sox, with Joe Crede at the plate with two down.
McCarver: The only way Pettitte can get out of this is by getting a strikeout, a fly ball, or a ground ball. If Crede gets a base hit here, Chicago is going to score.
Buck: This booth might be better with Piniella AND the rock.
McCarver: Hey, Joe. Did you notice that’s not Craig Biggio at second base right now?
Buck: No, Tim it’s Bob Scoggins, the star of the new hit reality series, “The Imposter,” in which Bob kidnaps a different person each week and takes on their identity until he gets either arrested, or maimed by someone in anger. “Entertainment Weekly” called it, “Television’s first reality series that ensures somebody is getting sued.”
Myers: Joe, if I can interrupt for a second, out of the blue I found Michael Rapaport of the new Fox hit comedy “The War at Home” sitting here by the Houston dugout. Now, if you don’t mind I’m going to ask him a few inane questions, and make sure you watch me habitually nod and annoyingly smirk at him as he answers.
Buck: Six more days…six more days…six more days….
News and notes
Ken Rosenthal writes that Saturday very well might have been the last we saw of Clemens though. “His will is as powerful as ever. But his body is telling him, ‘No more,'” he writes.
Alas, the Twilight of his career. A decade later.
Translated: Not a chance in hell.
Way to shoot for the moon, Dan O’Dowd.