The Onion has had a lot of fun with Patriots coach Bill Belichick over the years.
Much as the satirical site’s articles about Joe Biden exaggerate his off-the-cuff demeanor and turn the Vice President into a badass renegade, The Onion’s version of Belichick takes a well-worn opinion about the Patriots coach — that he’s a football bot incapable of human emotion — and goes to a very extreme place with it.
Their latest piece, headlined “Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die,’’ is a good example of “extreme.’’
The article details a fictional Belichick’s visit to Mass. General Hospital to watch terminally ill Patriots fan Brian Keller, 28, slowly perish.
“Sometimes I’ll be here for six or seven hours on a Saturday visiting fans in the cancer ward who are just hanging on by a thread,’’ the faux Belichick says. “The look on their faces when they’ve lost consciousness for the last time—you can just see the life draining out of them. It means so much to me to be there in those moments.’’
In terms of terrifying Onion articles about the Patriots coach, this one probably ranks just below “Bill Belichick Forgets About Loss By Relaxing In Bathtub Filled With Warm Entrails’’ and just above “Bill Belichick Lauded For Volunteer Work At Local Morgue.’’
Bill Belichick isn’t mad; that’s just his RBF: